Ahhhhhh! Tears! Tantrum! Screams and Yells! He is out of control! He won't calm down!
I Love, Love, Love my son, but so many times I feel like pulling the hair out of my head! It doesn't matter how many parenting books I have read or reread (even for the 8th time). I have prayed and prayed for this little man; yet he is still so intense all the time, about everything! The constant insanity had got me wondering... "Is there something wrong with my son?" Is he autistic? So as any good mother would do... lets look up symptoms... what could be wrong. I want to understand my child so I can cope and "properly handle him."
Then the Lord whispers to me... there is nothing wrong with this child. He is the way I created him. You have been gifted with a very passionate child. Yes, he has intensity and lacks self control in every aspect, but that is why I choose you to be his mother. Stay diligent... stay firm... stay in prayer and ask me for wisdom... stay the course... keep perspective. This is part of your purpose. Stay focused on training him and preparing him for My great works. I want to use him! Lead him to me! I will transform him just like I am constantly transforming and growing you.
No excuses, no diagnosis, he is who God created him to be. A thought comes to me... Years ago no one knew of ADD or OCD (or other such disorders). Parents didn't make excuses for the behavior of their kids. They were intentional about training not diagnosing a disorder or spending tons of money on tests to figure out what is "not perfect" about their child. My child has a case of SIN, pure and simple Selfish Sin. All children have it, as do we.
Clarity and truth brings so much peace to my soul. Before I was uneasy, fearing the worst. Believing the lie that he will be the rebellious one, he will fall away from the faith; my son won't believe in Christ as his Savior. I go to far in my fear. God says to me. Angie, stop! Those are lies from the evil one. He wants you to feel defeated as early on as possible so he can attack and steal what is good. Children will rebel if you expect them too. Children will rebel if you convince yourself that you have failed and you give up early and don't finish the race and train them.
My perspective has changed. I am back on course. I am thankful for the tantrums and tears, the rage and screams! He wears his emotions as well as his sin right on his sleeve and now I can address it. I know what I need to train him in. Self Control vs. lack of Control, selfishness. stubbornness and pride. he is a strong child and if I raise him up and build him up while teach him how to have self control and patience; along with humility and spirit of peace he could do amazing things for God. He is so loud and screams so loud. I need to work on teaching him how to be a good listener.
My perspective needs to be this: Look at his intensity, if I can lead him into a deep relationship with Christ just imagine what that kind of Passion could do in this world for the Lord. Look at his stubborn will; he will not be a follower, but a great leader someday. He will not be tossed around like a feather in the wind, he will be a man of integrity. Listen to how loud he is all the time... maybe he will be an evangelist or preacher.
Now I am encouraged! I see a vision to be excited about with my toddler. I am getting these warnings now when he is young so I can help him to be ready to control his sin when he is older. If I do this right now, when he is a teenager he won't rebel like society says he will. He will be a conductor of change in his generation.
Time for Spiritual Boot camp Son and for Me as well! I know it won't be easy, and there will be times when I am embarrassed by his behavior, but no more excuses. He is who God created him to be and I need to help him to be Great. He Will Do Great Things!
Angie.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with your strategy. Just remember, there are cases that are real out out there... yet, far too many people rush to a conclusion that because my child is acting intense, difficult or bongo energetic that they must be ADHD...Run for the pill bottle and drug them to make them calm...
We are coming to terms with the fact that there IS something not quiet "normal" about our son... it has been so hard to actually submit to and and accept it. Yet, I don't see it at a disability... but a gift from the Lord. And, it is such a relief to begin to understand and learn to both train him in a way he can understand and to exercise grace in his life when he really can't meet the expectations I have placed for him...
That said... I am very concerned about people just letting go of discipline and high expectations when their child has been labeled with a diagnosis... Even a child with ADHD and/or Autism can be trained in the ways of the Lord... to be disciplined. Parents need to do their job and stop being lazy or frustrated and take it to the Lord in prayer and do their job with a joyful heart.
I know from experience that a child who really does have issues can drain you emotionally and it is so hard... your cup gets very empty and you become angry and emotionally distant.. yet, God calls us to fill our cup in Him... not from the success of our children. He is our strength.
If you are concerned about your son having symptoms of ADHD or Autism, you need to understand that they will show other signs other than just difficult behavior... (all toddlers struggle with self centered sin issues)...they will have other cognitive symptoms... language delay... social abnormalities... odd repetitive behaviors... As a mother, you know in your heart that something is off... the thing is... the sooner you recognize, the stronger impact you can have on a child with these disorders and the higher chance you have to help them... and understand them in a deeper and more wonderful way.
You are correct... we need not rush to the worst case scenario. We need to be patient and seek wisdom from our Lord and Savior and continue to train up our children in consistent, clear ways.
My point, I guess is, that even if there IS a problem, we are not to become discouraged... but to delight in the gift that God has given to us... to do our very best to raise them up... and seek God's way... not the humanistic ways of dealing with these issues.
Keep up the good work my friend!
Honey to my soul.
ReplyDeleteI have one like this, just a few years older (and it gets better!). It is discouraging to see little progress in areas all the other children moved past quickly. But how right you are: these are the children who will be leaders, who will be passionate, who will do great things (our other children will do great things, too, of course). But these little guys do need a totally different kind of parenting, don't they!!!
I know the the Lord will do a great work of grace in this child's life. He will understand grace better than your other children. While our other children who are "followers of all rules and laws" stuggle with pride and even understanding what the significance of the work of the cross is to them (since they rarely do the wrong thing), these passionate children of ours will have a stronger grip on this area of faith.
And while the process to get there puts trepidation in my bones, I know that God will redeem and bless our efforts to properly, faithfully parent them.
It is nice to know I do not labor alone, that even good moms like Angie Tolpin have difficulties with her kids.
I often wonder what Peter's mother went through and if she worried about how he would 'turn out'. His passionate swings from one extreme to the other - "LORD! You will NEVER wash my feet!!!" to "OK, then wash ALL of me!" I pray that God would use these strong feeling children of ours in a mighty way - for His good! Hang in there - Stay the course!
ReplyDeleteAng-
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to hear your perspective. Little boys can be such a challenge at times. There have been many times where my skills as a mom have failed to produce behavior that I desired in my little boy. There were many, many times when I thought something was wrong with him - or me - or a combination of both! Many times when it was embarrasing too!
Accepting someone for who they are can be a hard thing to learn. But it really makes everything so much easier. What I have found with each of my kids is that each has their own personal "best". It is unfair for me to expect Riley to behave the same as Amber, because they each have different strengths and weaknesses that are God-given. It is appreciating their challenges and their small steps of growth as you are consistent with discipline. I revel in small progress now, and appreciate all steps that are in the right direction. I also appreciate all the unique qualities that my more compliant kids do not have. Knowing that God made them unique in that way is such a comfort. Challenging nonetheless, but a huge comfort!
Hope you are well-
kyla
Angie, I just wanted to encourage you today. I am ahead a couple of years from where you are with your little one and today I had a great interaction with my "difficult child." you can hop over to my blog and read about it and I hope it encourages you in your "stay the course" mentality. In time, it gets so much better.
ReplyDeletehttp://lifebesidethecreek.blogspot.com/2008/10/simple-task-gone-awry.html
Angie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. I want to encourage you that you do not labor alone, for Christ is with you always. It is so easy to feel like we have failed with our strong-willed children. But do not look anxiously about you, He is your God and He will uphold you with His right hand.
Your child's display of foolish behavior is not a reflection of your faithfulness, it is a reflection of him battling his own sin nature. We do the same thing, but sadly the world is quick to judge a mother's credibility the moment her child is foolish.
Know that it is for God whom you are raising your son, not for the world. You are choosing the right way, by going to the Lord first. He will give you the insight and wisdom needed moment to moment. He made your precious son and knows ALL about him!
You can rest in Him, saying, "It is well with my soul." I trust You God and I will do it Your way!